Saturday, December 17, 2005

To whom it may concern

This blog is dead. It really is. I'm not kidding, its dead as a doorknob. I will not be writing anymore ever. I'm tired, over worked, under fed, sleepy, and really lonely, so don’t think that this is about you, this is about me. I wrote things that i shouldn't have, i wrote things that were not really true, i wrote about things that shouldn't have been cause for alarm... but as it slowly dawns on me, all thanks to what I’ve just lately heard. It comes as no surprise, (who am i kidding, it was more like a shock), yes, i know my blog had become more popular then i could've ever possibly hoped for. From two viewers to fifteen, massive... massive jump. I didn't know my writing was THAT popular, but i soon realized, rather screamed at, that, that its was indeed my writing that drew in all these new faces, not because it was the "quality" that pulled them in... but rather the repugnance and the hate, or at least that is what I’ve been told to understand. So in this last blog, I am not going to provide you with my usual "oh-the-world-is-so-crap", rather a more subtle, a more "asking to understand" kind of thing. And i do hope, that you take the time, to at least think it from my point of view. If in the case you do not want to give me the chance to explain, and that you already have a based assumption on who i truly am (which i would totally understand), i would not blame you for a second, what was written here is nothing but my fault and my doing only, you cannot pin that on others, you cannot hold anyone else responsible. I am the reason. Blame me.

Now as the story goes, I wrote something, causing a slight upheaval in the literally community. My intention was at that time, genuine. But my intention never was to harm anyone, my one and only thought at time was to find a way to channel my anger and depression. Confronting my worries was never a solution for me, for the very reason that that solution had never occurred to me. I threw accusations, I blamed people, i insulted and I lied. I was frustrated. I was deep in the black hole of a depression i had created for myself. All the pent up pressure inside me was relived to the keyboard. It was a way for me to confront my problems my way. It is the only way I thought it would be possibly for me to put on a brave face for the world once again. Well, you know what? It didn't. because it came and bit me in the ass later. To be honest, I don’t even remember what i wrote, I wrote it once, and never looked at it again. Until recently that is. And as i read through it, i imagined how it would feel like to the person who was reading it, and to be really honest, i felt disgusted, i felt like a sad excuse for a human being, and worst of all, i didn't feel like myself. I have a personal motto to never hurt anyone, and well with one single piece of prose i managed to wipe that motto clean off and made a few heads turn away from me. I was in pain, in agony after that. I couldn't think straight, i couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I had become my worst nightmare. They say what’s done is done, and you know what they're right, its history now, but I have this nagging feeling all the time, that because of those statements i made, peoples perceptions on me have changed greatly. And that is what scares me, I am not the person who wrote that. And to that i ask for you to think otherwise. I still am what i used to be. Might even a little mature and grounded. And best of all more understanding. So please don’t judge me for what i wrote, judge me for who i am.